Taking Advice

Just look at these precious children! The other day I had a small break down just thinking about bringing another person into existence and all that it entails. It is up to me to teach, guide, and protect them in a world full of danger, heartbreak, and harsh realities.

I just want to do the best that I can for them and although I’ve been a mother for years at times I still struggle with my confidence.

When I had my oldest daughter I was only 18 and I dealt with a lot of judgement because of that. People looked down their noses at me and doubted my ability to parent well due to my age.

I tried my best to turn that negativity into motivation. Even though writing has always been my passion, I felt I needed to pursue a more serious career (in a way to show people that I could be serious) and start making more money for myself ASAP.

I got myself through Medical Assistant school and kept that career until just a couple of years ago when I left work to stay home with my youngest. I enjoyed helping people and had a strong interest in medicine but I put my true passions on hold because of what other people might have thought.

As much as I tried to spin the judgement and shame and use it to my advantage I was still young and insecure and let it get to me. I became so defensive.

I didn’t want to hear the advice of other people and older mothers because I took it as them doubting my abilities. Even if it was coming from a loving place the advice felt hurtful and backhanded. I took it as an insult.

Just because I was young didn’t mean I didn’t love my daughter! It didn’t mean I couldn’t care for her well! She was all I had at a certain point and my world revolved around her. Just like older mothers everything I did was for her and about her and because of her.

When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter I had people giving me advice who didn’t realize that I had a daughter older than their own children.

Honestly it had been 9 years since I had an infant so of course I could have taken some advice from people who went through that stage with their children more recently! But I was still so damaged from all the scrutiny I dealt with in the past. Stubbornly, I didn’t want to hear what anyone had to say.

As I continue to grow into myself over the years I have become much more confident. I started to realize that myself and the people around me know the truth about what kind of mother I am. Knowing that allows me to care a lot less about what other people may think. I don’t need another’s approval to feel validated.

My defenses have completely dropped. I know that just because someone is older or younger it doesn’t necessarily make them better or worse equipped to be a parent.

I’m now able to take advice from others joyfully knowing that no matter how long someone’s been a parent or how many children they have we all can learn something from each other. Someone else’s motherhood doesn’t take away from my own! It only adds another perspective in our shared experience.

As women we should encourage and lift each other up! This womanhood and parenting stuff is really difficult as is so we don’t need to add any more stress by comparing ourselves! We all have something to learn from each other and at the end of the day we can all use more support!

Did you ever take well meaning advice the wrong way? How did you deal with it?

❤ Cait

Hope the Dog

This is the story of Hope….the dog! My whole adult life I wanted a dog but I refused to get one. I was always working like crazy and didn’t think it would be fair to get a dog just to keep it locked up for 12 hours a day. When I became pregnant with my youngest I got a new job that was 3 days a week. Even though I was still busy and heavily pregnant, I knew that it was finally the right time to adopt a long-awaited companion!

My husband was on board so we started looking. One of my friends from school who I follow on Facebook owns a doggy daycare and is an amazing person who rescues and fosters pups in need. I saw my future fur-baby’s face on her page and fell in love instantly! Her name was Hope which was funny to me because it was a name that my older daughter kept suggesting for our little one. I took it as a sign and set up an appointment to meet her.

When we came to her house Hope was so sweet and timid. She was still shaken from her neglectful start in life. She came from Georgia. Apparently her owner was murdered and the people close to them didn’t know what to do with the two dogs who were left behind so they made the unfortunate decision to abandon them in the woods. Hope and her “sister” Faith were picked up and taken to a kill shelter. My friend saw them online and decided to save them in the nick of time. She paid for them to be fed and vaccinated, medicated and boarded. The before picture of my baby was so sad to see. You could count her ribs, she was infested with worms, she was suffering cellulitis, and the pain in her innocent eyes was palpable.

We made an agreement, paid the adoption fee, and readied our home for our new family member. The poor baby was skiddish for a while. She was scared to go in the car because she didn’t know if it meant her whole life would be turned upside down yet again. I felt proud that we could give her a safe and loving forever home but, I didn’t realize just how much she would give back to us.

My pregnancy was really rough. I had morning sickness and undiagnosed anemia the entire time. The hallmarks of that pregnancy were nausea and isolation. Barely able to get out of bed, my world became very small and lonely. Once Hope was home we spent so much time just snuggling and building that bond of love and trust and comfort. She forced me to get up, get some fresh air and sunlight, and take her out, she was there to keep me company when I felt so alone. She would crawl up and snuggle in deeper when I cried. She would put her snout on my belly in a sign of love, protection and solidarity. She showed me so much love and compassion, more than anyone could have shown me with words.

When I told people that I was getting a puppy right before I was ready to have a baby they thought I was crazy! And it really was like having two babies at once. Sometimes I feel like puppies are harder, because at least babies sleep most of the time at first! But, we have absolutely no regrets! We don’t remember what life was like before her, she is such a part of our family and of each of us. We know she came at exactly the right time and like most things involving love, what we received was more than we ever could have given and we can’t imagine our family without Hope.

Do you have a pet adoption story? In what ways do they add to your life?

❤ Cait

A Letter to my Daughter on Her 10th Birthday (October, 2016)

Dear Autumn,

I can’t believe its been 10 whole years since you entered this world! When you did you brightened the lives of everyone around you. At home it was “The Autumn Show” every day. You were an extraordinarily gorgeous and happy baby. Everything about you was unique and beautiful and we couldn’t wait to see what you’d do next!

You were the sunshine in my days. I worked so hard and fought so hard to be the best mother I could for you. Your Step Father and I have dedicated our lives to providing for you and making you smile. You repay us daily with your love. We are so proud of who you are. You’re funny and sarcastic, sweet and tough, confident but humble, stubborn and kind. You are as colorful and bright as the season for which you are named. You are a daughter, the BEST big sister, an artist, a philanthropist, an author, an athlete, a friend.

And this is only the beginning. I know God has amazing plans for you. In the next 10 years of your life we will watch you grow into a young lady. We will watch as you take wing. But please remember no matter where life’s journey takes you there will always be a place in our hearts and home for you and you can always come back to it.
💗No matter how big you get, you will always fit perfectly in my arms.💗

Love Always,
Mom

The Highs & Lows of Pregnancy

This was written back in February and shared on my personal Facebook page. Our healthy, gorgeous baby girl was born May 31st, 2016.

So I try to keep a brave face but, I know you’ve all heard my complaints…This pregnancy hasn’t been all sunshine and daisy chains for me. My baby and myself are in perfect health but most of the time I have felt sick, exhausted and uncomfortable. Some days I don’t know how I’ll make it through the time I still have left. I never had that feel-good second trimester. Spending so much time in my bed (which I have dubbed my cave) can make me feel frustrated, isolated and lonely. And I don’t think I ever did get that glow! 😕

I get so excited when I can do things that make me feel normal. Even little things like a light walk, a lunch date, or a good hair day resemble my pre-pregnancy life and make all the difference to me! Even now as I look forward to my last trimester I have good and bad days but honestly, most are still pretty rough.

Despite these hurdles, the miracle of the life stirring within is never lost on me even for a moment. How awesome it is to anticipate the love my husband and I share personified in a cherished child. How my heart swells as he talks to her and melts when he says he hopes she looks like me. Seeing the way my daughter touches my belly adoringly and hearing the questions that bubble up in her inquisitive mind is so special. Even my cat purrs happily in my lap against the extra warmth of my body. This baby will be born into so much love and that alone is worth every difficult moment.

Even when it gets hard I remind myself to be present and enjoy this fleeting season of life instead of just wishing it away. I truly believe that pregnancy is designed like this for a reason. It prepares mothers to raise their children by offering experiences of sacrifice, joy, worry, and unconditional love from the moment of conception.

The opportunity to assist God in the creation of a new life and soul is truly humbling and such a gift. Pregnancy and motherhood is an incredible journey and one I feel so blessed to be able to continue. I feel like my dreams keep coming true and I know in my heart that the best is yet to come.

Have you experienced a particularly difficult time in pregnancy? Tell me about it in the comments!

❤ Cait

A year ago today…

2016-08-30_12-54-19-1
DISCLAIMER: After this photo I re-adjusted my baby carrier as it had sagged a bit from walking around the park (this style has ties and not buckles) Baby wearing is safest when baby is an inch or two higher up on the chest and close enough to kiss.

A year ago today a test confirmed what I already knew in my heart and tender tummy to be true, I was expecting a baby again after 9 years! In that moment so many thoughts and emotions swirled around me. I looked through happy tears at the blurry image of my proud husband’s face and he said, “We’re having a baby! There’s going to be a crib in here soon!” and I thought back to a daydream.

I was driving to pick up my eldest daughter after a particularly long and exhausting work day. At this time I was working full-time, taking classes at community college part-time  and planning my wedding (I tend to be anxious and not very organized sometimes!) and I was just stressed and exhausted with the go-go-go pace I had been keeping up for far too long. As I drove along my heart projected sweet visions on the walls of my mind..

Rocking my husband’s first child in the quiet morning light, breathing in that heady baby aroma, bird serenades carried in on the breeze of an open window, essential coffee smell mixing in from the kitchen. I snapped back to reality and immediately my attention was captured by a rainbow of color in the sky just ahead of me. Tucked among the usual white was a bright iridescent cloud! Rainbows have been significant to me in my spiritual life and it was as if God was reassuring me, reminding me that He knows the desires of my heart. That small passing brilliance, was to me the gentlest reminder to be patient and trust in His perfect timing.

After a wedding and one hell of a pregnancy my visions have come to fruition. Our baby daughter has changed our family for the better. Our hearts and arms are fuller because of her. Ten years with my first precious daughter went too quickly! I have learned that time can be hard on a mama’s heart. That knowing reminds me to savor each moment that much more. Even in the mess and stress, my mundane life is made magic in joy inexpressible and love unconditional.

When I mention the age difference between my girls sometimes people take on an exasperated tone and poke fun at me saying, “Wow! Starting all over again, huh?” and I say yes and my soul laughs as the smile in my heart blooms across my face.

Do any of you have a big age difference between your children? If so tell me about it in the comments!

❤ Cait